


Oh No!  Not My Clothes!

by asideofourown



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Domestic Fluff, Don't copy to another site, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Canon, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-10-28 07:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asideofourown/pseuds/asideofourown
Summary: “Right,” Aziraphale said.  He clenched his fingers in the fabric of his coat and then said firmly, “Crowley, I don’t know exactly what you’re planning, but I must insist you stop at once.  Gabriel came to talk to me last night and he told me that you’re planning on doing something to get rid of clothing, and I simplycannot—”Crowley was staring at him, mouth agape, and he held up a hand.  Aziraphale stuttered to a stop.“Angel,” Crowley said seriously.  “What the bloody hell are you on about?”  He leaned forward, his teeth bared slightly.  “Aziraphale, I delivered the damnedAntichrissstlast night," he hissed.“The Antichrist,” Aziraphale whispered, his stomach sinking.  Well, clothing would definitely be gone if the entire world went up in flames as it was torn apart by the second Heavenly war.  So Gabriel hadn’t beenentirelyoff.





	Oh No!  Not My Clothes!

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the amazing comment by [toedenandbackagain](https://toedenandbackagain.tumblr.com) on [this](https://toedenandbackagain.tumblr.com/post/186985019656/i-like-that-in-this-entire-exchange-gabriel) post!
> 
> There are some brief nsfw _implications_ in the second half, and honestly I've gone back and forth on how to rate this several times, but it's not particularly explicit so I decided it didn't warrant an M rating. In any case, you're free to imagine whatever you like happening :D
> 
> (Any recognizable quotations are likely borrowed from the script of the show, and therefore I do not claim to own them)
> 
> Enjoy!

_ **2007** _

Aziraphale looked down with a smile at his sushi, giving himself a moment to appreciate how delicious it looked before taking his first bite.He closed his eyes for just a moment, centering himself, when a small flash of celestial energy rang in his ears.

Aziraphale’s eyes snapped open and he glanced both ways before catching sight of the Archangel Gabriel standing behind him, smiling coldly.“Mind if I join you?” Gabriel asked with raised eyebrows, his hands folded neatly in front of him.

He was just a touch _too_ close for comfort, and Aziraphale instinctively leaned back just a little in his seat.“Gabriel!” he exclaimed, hoping he sounded pleased rather than put out.He glanced longingly at his sushi, suspecting that he wasn’t going to get the chance to enjoy it.Visits from Head Office were few and far between, and they rarely heralded good news.“What an unexpected pleasure,” Aziraphale added a little flatly, and looked back at his boss.“It’s been, um…”

“Quite a while, yes,” Gabriel agreed, that fixed smile not waning an inch.Aziraphale swallowed hard.The last time had been in the early 1800s, if he remembered correctly, when he had narrowly avoided being recalled to Heaven.

Aziraphale glanced again at his sushi, his mouth watering a little.Gabriel followed his gaze, and then asked in a tone of voice that said very clearly that he didn’t care one whit about the answer, “Why do you consume _that?_You’re an _angel_.”

“It’s sushi,” Aziraphale said, a little incredulity seeping into his voice as he tried very hard not to be offended on behalf of the chef.“It’s nice, you dip it in soy sauce,” he added with a nervous smile.Maybe if he grossed Gabriel out with enough descriptions of eating, the archangel would leave.

Gabriel stared at him blankly, and he didn’t move.Aziraphale’s face fell, and he scrambled for an explanation.“It’s what humans do,” he said after a beat.“And if I am going to be living here among them, well… keeping up appearances?”He exhaled softly, sharply, and then his innate English manners kicked in.Not that he was English in any sense of the word, but he had lived in London for quite some time… “Tea?” he offered.

Gabriel’s reaction was immediate and scornful.“I do not sully the temple of my celestial body with gross matter,” he said superciliously, his violet eyes hard.

Aziraphale’s eyes dropped, and for just a moment he stopped ignoring the waves of Heavenly energy practically pouring out of Gabriel, stressing the seams of his corporation, utterly untouched by anything earthly.“Obviously not,” he murmured, and closed off that part of his sense before his ears were overwhelmed with the Heavenly choir.“Um, nice suit,” he added, hoping that Gabriel hadn’t noticed his brief lapse in attention.

“I like the clothes,” Gabriel said, animated for the first time in their conversation.He shrugged, and added casually, “Pity they won’t be around much longer.”

Aziraphale blinked, and very determinedly avoided the image of Gabriel sans clothes.That was a thought he never, ever, ever wanted to entertain, _Almighty above_— “They won’t?” Aziraphale said, forcing himself back to the present.

“We have reliable information that _things_ are afoot,” Gabriel said significantly, as though Aziraphale was supposed to know what on Earth that meant.

Things were afoot, things that would lead to the utter obliviation of human clothing?Was Heaven planning to start some new ridiculous fashion trend, a return to the style of pre-apple Eden in the hopes of inspiring innocence and piety in humans again?Humanity was _far_ past that stage, thanks to Crowley, and getting rid of _clothes_ would do nothing to help reduce sin, Aziraphale was sure—

“They… are?” he said slowly, hoping he looked like he knew what was going on.

“Yes,” Gabriel said, and he didn’t look suspicious.It appeared that 6,000 years out of Heaven had made Aziraphale a bit of a better liar.“My informant suggests that the demon… Crowley may be involved?”

Aziraphale desperately tried not to let his thoughts flicker across his face at that revelation.Of course, of _course_ Crowley would be involved in whatever was going to befall Earth’s fashion.Aziraphale liked (loved) the demon well enough, but he did have _such_ poor taste in mischief sometimes.

That didn’t explain why Heaven knew, of course, unless they had somehow found out Crowley’s scheme and wanted Aziraphale to thwart it.Which was, technically, his job, but… saying _Crowley, please don’t steal everyone’s clothes, it’s not helpful_ probably wouldn’t do much.

If Crowley was plotting something, though, maybe he’d keep Aziraphale out of it for once, Aziraphale thought gloomily.He rather liked his coat, he’d kept it in tip-top shape for centuries, and didn’t much want to lose it.

But, oh, _good Lord_, something about the combination of Crowley and the possibility of wearing less did make his heart beat just a little faster, his face hot.He desperately tried not to think about a scenario where Crowley would _want_ to see him in less, where he would steal Aziraphale’s clothes with the goal of something further—

“You need to keep him under observation,” Gabriel said chidingly, and Aziraphale looked up with a small wince, barely stifling a squeak of embarrassment._Right._Almighty above, he was a horrible angel, flustered thinking about getting naked with a demon while talking to his _boss_.Christ.

Aziraphale managed to stumble his way through the rest of the conversation with Gabriel— hopefully without letting on that Crowley had not, in fact, missed his presence on Earth for millennia (hopefully not letting on that they were business partners, companions, friends, that Aziraphale had even fallen in love with— well).

When Gabriel left, Aziraphale looked back down at his sushi with a frown.He knew without trying that it would taste like ashes, he was too upset to enjoy his meal.Meetings with Head Office tended to have that effect.Aziraphale sighed, anxiously tangled his fingers together.He would have to talk to Crowley as soon as possible, if he was going to dissuade him from doing something to everyone’s clothes that was so serious _Gabriel_ needed to speak with him about it.And they would have to talk without Crowley figuring out how embarrassingly flustered the idea made Aziraphale, at least in theory.In a one-on-one scenario only, obviously.

Aziraphale absently took a bite of sushi, and swallowed with effort.Ashes.

Aziraphale was in a foul mood when he got back from the sushi restaurant, or at least as foul a mood as an angel was allowed to be in.He put on a record and hummed along as he took off his coat, rubbing the fabric of one sleeve between his fingers before hanging it up.Just as he was ready to settle in his back room with a book and some unreasonable amount of alcohol, the phone began to ring.

Aziraphale stifled a scowl and huffed out a breath before shuffling over to answer.“I’m afraid we’re quite definitely closed,” he said into the receiver without waiting for a greeting.

“Aziraphale,” a familiar voice drawled, and Aziraphale’s heart fluttered traitorously.“It’s me.We need to talk.”

Aziraphale exhaled softly.“Yes,” he agreed.“Yes, I rather think we do.I assume this is about whatever you’re scheming?”

“Wha—?” Crowley said, and then made a sound scrambled by the phone lines.“Yup, yes.”

“The usual place, tomorrow?” Aziraphale said quietly.He was drained, it was late, and he didn’t really want to go out onto the busy streets again.

“Fine,” Crowley said flatly, and then hung up the phone with a click.

Aziraphale sighed deeply, resting his phone back in its cradle before making a beeline in the direction of his wine.He spent the rest of the evening drinking, planning, and definitely not thinking about what it would be like to have a devilish demon steal his clothes.

* * *

Crowley was, unusually, the first one to make it to St. James’ Park the next day.He was already sprawled on a bench as Aziraphale walked down the path towards him, head lolled back as he glared down a duck.

“Good morning, Crowley,” Aziraphale said as he approached, wringing his hands nervously.While nursing his wine the night before, he had worked out a game plan for convincing Crowley to abandon whatever ridiculous plot he was brewing.The plan mostly involved plying the demon with alcohol in a different country, far from whatever he had presumably set up in London, and most definitely was not the kind of romantic getaway that Aziraphale had daydreamed about for centuries.

“Aziraphale,” Crowley replied, sitting up slightly as Aziraphale settled next to him.“You’re late.”

“_You’re_ early,” Aziraphale sniped back.

Crowley made an unpleasant face at him.“I would think this is serious enough for the both of us to be on time,” he said irritably.

“Right,” Aziraphale said.He clenched his fingers in the fabric of his coat and then said firmly, “Crowley, I don’t know exactly what you’re planning, but I must insist you stop at once.Gabriel came to talk to me last night and he told me that you’re planning on doing something to get rid of clothing, and I simply cannot allow you to—“

Crowley was staring at him, mouth agape, and he held up a hand.Aziraphale stuttered to a stop.

“Angel,” Crowley said seriously.“What the bloody hell are you on about?”

Aziraphale blinked.“You—" he started.

Crowley leaned forward, his teeth bared slightly.“Aziraphale, I delivered the damned _Antichrissst_ last night, the end of the world is in eleven yearssss,” he hissed.

It was Aziraphale’s turn to stare.“But Gabriel said—“ he started.

“Gabriel is a fucking idiot, and I could not care lessss what he had to sssay,” Crowley snapped, and as if for the first time Aziraphale took note of his tense shoulders, the frown wrinkling his forehead, the stressed sibilance of his voice.

“The Antichrist,” Aziraphale whispered, his stomach sinking.Well, clothing would definitely be gone if the entire world went up in flames as it was torn apart by the second Heavenly war.So Gabriel hadn’t been entirely off.

“Right,” Crowley said, his jaw clenching.“Armageddon is coming.We have eleven years to stop it.”

Aziraphale swallowed hard.

Oh, dear. 

* * *

_ **2025** _

Crowley and Aziraphale weren’t drunk,but they were well on their pleasant journey to get there as they cuddled together on the couch in the living room of their little cottage, a film muted on the TV as they talked.It had been a good few years since the averted apocalypse, long enough that they could both talk about it more or less without anxiety, and they had been discussing the early days, about everything they wished they had known.

“You know,” Aziraphale said, gesturing expansively with his glass.Crowley was lying practically on top of him, his head resting in Aziraphale’s lap and his drink miraculously unspilled.He had been growing his hair out again, and Aziraphale was having quite a nice time running his fingers through the shoulder-length locks as they relaxed.

“Know what, angel?” Crowley asked in a soft voice, his eyes half closed.

Aziraphale stifled a hiccup into his glass, and then said, “Y’know, when, when Gabriel showed up?To tell me you’d started Armageddon?Well, not you, but, y’know.And he said, he said, there weren’t gonna be clothes anymore!And I thought you were going to steal everyone’s clothes!”

Crowley blinked up at him, his yellow eyes wide.“Yeah?” he said, his voice husky, and he smiled slyly.“I bet y’liked that thought, right angel?”

Aziraphale blushed, took a long sip of his drink.Crowley reached up, took the glass from him and set it next to his own on the floor.Their hands free, he pulled Aziraphale down into a sweet, slow kiss.

“Maybe I did,” Aziraphale mumbled against his lips, and then giggled.“Doesn’t matter. D’you remember, remember how Gabriel’s face looked at the airfield?Bet he wished your plans were something as small as stealing clothes.”

Crowley smiled, shifting in his angel’s lap so he was sitting up a little better.“Aziraphale,” he whispered, his expression soppy and open, intoxication and adoration lowering his walls.“Don’t talk ‘bout Gabriel when we’re kissing.”

Aziraphale smiled mischievously, reaching up to cup his face. “Good— Good plan,” he said.“Great plan.”

Crowley leaned in to kiss him, pressing close.

And the rest of that evening, they didn’t talk much more about Armageddon, but Crowley neatly tucked away the little tidbit of information he had been given for later.

* * *

“Crowley, my dear,” Aziraphale called from the bedroom a few days later, rummaging through his wardrobe.“I can’t seem to find any of my bow ties, would you happen to know anything about that?”

Crowley poked his head out from the bathroom where he had just finished showering the human way, one of the habits he had picked up since they had moved to the South Downs.Aziraphale took a moment to appreciate his demon in only a towel, and then raised a stern eyebrow.

Crowley leaned one hip against the doorframe, a hand at his waist to hold his towel up.“I can’t imagine why you would think that, angel,” he said with a smirk.

“Hm,” Aziraphale said.He tugged his sleeves straight.“So if I were to snap my fingers, it wouldn’t undo any demonic magic?”

“I’m sure you could miraculously find your bow ties, Aziraphale,” Crowley said, and then pouted slightly.“But that wouldn’t be very sporting, would it?”

Aziraphale eyed Crowley.He couldn’t be— he wasn’t— was he?“I suppose not,” Aziraphale replied cautiously.He had an inkling of what the demon was doing, something related to his drunken confession of a few nights ago, and he was content to let it play out for the time being.

Crowley winked at him, and then returned to the bathroom.

Aziraphale rolled his eyes and smiled fondly before grabbing his jacket from the closet.“I’m going to the market to pick up a few things, dearest,” he said.“I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

“Wonderful,” Crowley called, and although his voice was dry Aziraphale could hear the fondness in it anyway.

Aziraphale was humming cheerfully as he left the house, taking a moment to coo at Crowley’s roses before heading down the lane to town.It was warmer outside than he had anticipated, and after just a few minutes he shrugged off his coat, draping it over his arm as he walked.He stopped off at the grocery store for more eggs and some of the chocolate spread that Crowley liked before popping into his favorite bakery to look for something nice to eat later.

The bakery’s owner, an older woman who had taken a shine to both Crowley and Aziraphale when they had moved in, smiled from behind the till as he entered.“Ezra, lovely to see you,” she said warmly.

“Good morning, Lynne,” Aziraphale replied with a smile, setting his groceries and jacket on an empty table before stepping up to the counter and looking eagerly over the baked goods.

“How have you been?” Lynne asked.

Aziraphale flashed her a smile.“Lovely, and you?”

“Lovely,” she echoed with a laugh.“How’s your Anthony?”

Aziraphale’s chest warmed with happiness, just as it always did when Crowley was referred to as _his_, and he replied, “He’s doing well.He’d only just gotten up and about when I left this morning.”

Lynne laughed.“Ah, to be retired,” she said wistfully, and then clasped her hands together.“What can I get you today, Ezra?”

Aziraphale happily considered his options before he said, “Oh, I’ll have two of those croissants and a loaf of that bread.”

Lynne quickly picked out and packaged the food he had indicated, tucking them into a bag.Aziraphale paid her and then grabbed his bag of goodies.“Thank you ever so much,” he said cheerfully, turning to where he had left his groceries and coat.

Except only his groceries remained on the table, his jacket nowhere to be found.

Aziraphale stepped forward and waved a hand in the air where it had been, and it took him no effort at all to sense the lingering tingle of Crowley’s miracle.Aziraphale smiled slightly in spite of himself, and headed home sans coat.

When he got back Crowley was banging around in the kitchen, and half the cupboards were standing open.“What are you looking for, dearest?” Aziraphale said mildly as he toed off his shoes by the door.

“I think we’re out of coffee filters,” Crowley grumbled, half bent over.

Aziraphale padded over and reached past him to put the chocolate spread in the cupboard and the eggs in the fridge, and then said, “That’s a pity, I was just at the store.”

“See this, this,” Crowley said, straightening.He interrupted himself to give Aziraphale a kiss, and then finished, “This is why you should get a mobile.”

Aziraphale smiled, brushing Crowley’s long hair away from his face.“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, just because he knew it would rile Crowley up.His smile turned a little mischievous.“You know how I am with all that new-fangled technology.”He had been saying that for several hundred years, and Crowley’s reactions were always so delightfully entertaining.

Crowley gave him a flat look, and then snapped his fingers.Two steaming mugs appeared on the counter, one filled with coffee (two sugars) and one with cocoa (topped with whipped cream and cinnamon).

“Thank you, dearest,” Aziraphale said with delight, and then placed his paper bag from the bakery on the counter in favor of picking up his mug.“These will go nicely, I think.”

Crowley nudged open the bag and hummed thoughtfully before leaning back against the counter and taking a sip of his coffee, wrinkling his nose slightly.“I can taste the miracle,” he mumbled.

Aziraphale fetched them two plates from the cupboard and then said, “We could go out for dinner in town tonight, and stop for filters on the way back if you like.”

“OK,” Crowley agreed.He partitioned out their breakfast, one croissant for himself and the other for Aziraphale, and then added, “Maybe that new bistro?I know you were eyeing it last month.”

“That sounds delightful,” Aziraphale said.

Crowley picked up their plates and jerked his chin.“Want to eat out in the garden?”

Aziraphale smiled at him.“Of course, let me just get my shoes.”He stepped out of the kitchen to get his shoes from where he had left them beside the door, and was utterly unsurprised to find that they were missing.“Really, my dear?” he said in fond exasperation.

Already halfway out onto their back patio, Crowley replied with a smirk, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.If you can’t find your shoes, I suppose you’ll just have to go barefoot.Wouldn’t want your socks to get dirty, after all.”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes and then reached down to pull off his socks before following Crowley out into the garden, where he was already settled on a bench amongst his plants.Aziraphale joined him, carefully balancing his mug on the arm of the bench before setting his socks over one knee.

Crowley waited until he was making eye contact, and then snapped his fingers with a smug smile.Aziraphale practically felt the miracle brush his arm, and his socks disappeared.

“You’ve abandoned all pretense of subtlety, I see,” Aziraphale said primly, taking a sip of his cocoa.

“Oh, angel,” Crowley said, relaxing against the back of the bench and throwing one arm up behind Aziraphale’s shoulders. “I’ve been told I don’t have a subtle bone in my body.”

Aziraphale stifled a snort at that.“The way you walk, I’m not convinced you have _any_ bones in your body.”Crowley just laughed.

After they finished eating, Aziraphale and Crowley parted ways for a bit.Crowley had expressed a desire to bully his begonias, and Aziraphale had a book he had been eyeing for a few weeks, so he retreated to his study inside to read for a while.

By the time he finished his book it was late afternoon and Crowley hadn’t reappeared, so Aziraphale headed downstairs.Unsurprisingly, he found Crowley still in the garden, working on replanting some daffodils that some wild animal had dug up while menacing them under his breath.

“Dearest, you know it’s not their fault they got dug up,” Aziraphale said with a fond smile, coming to a stop behind Crowley.

Crowley leaned back on his heels and scowled thoughtfully at the flowerbed.“If they had strong enough roots, Satan himself wouldn’t be able to pull them out of the ground,” he said darkly.His serious words and threatening expression were more than belied by the polka-dot bandana he was using to tie his hair back out of his face, and the streak of dirt on his cheek.Aziraphale reached to absently rub at the dirt, and Crowley leaned into his touch.

“My, it’s warm out today, isn’t it?” Aziraphale murmured thoughtlessly, fanning himself with his free hand and glancing up at the sun beating down on them.

“You might be more comfortable if you took off that bloody waistcoat,” Crowley said, and when Aziraphale looked down at him the demon’s eyes were gleaming.

Aziraphale decided to play along.“I rather think you’re right,” he said, and then slowly unbuttoned his waistcoat before sliding it off and folding it over his arm.Much as he hated to admit it, it did help with the temperature.

Crowley gazed up at him, and there was no mistaking the hunger in his eyes.Aziraphale flushed a little, even though he was more than used to being the focus of Crowley’s attention.He was sure he looked a sight, though, standing barefoot in the garden with nothing but his slacks and shirtsleeves on.

Crowley got fluidly to his feet, brushing the dirt off his hands.“You know, angel,” he said, stepping close, and Aziraphale looked into his golden eyes with a small smile.

“Yes, Crowley?”

“I have a confession,” Crowley breathed.“I’ve been stealing your clothes all day, it’s been part of my plot.”He was grinning, and Aziraphale matched him.

“Oh, how devious,” he said.“I never would have caught on if you hadn’t told me, you wily fiend.”

Crowley reached out and slowly undid the top button of Aziraphale’s shirt.“I think I’d like to be a little less subtle,” he said huskily.“Direct action, if you will.”

Aziraphale winked, and then reached up and undid his own second button.“Act, then, won’t you?”

Crowley snapped his fingers and they found themselves in the bedroom, still standing close.

Crowley leaned in and kissed him, soft and sweet, and then made quick work of stealing every stitch of Aziraphale’s clothes.

It was only much later, far past a reasonable time for dinner, when Crowley groaned into Aziraphale’s shoulder.“We didn’t go to dinner,” he mumbled, pressing close under the sheets as they snuggled together.“So we forgot to stop at the store.”

Aziraphale gestured lazily, the fingers of one hand tangled in Crowley’s hair and his arm curled around his back, and a box of coffee filters appeared on the table downstairs.“My treat,” he said quietly.

Crowley rolled on top of him and kissed him.“Love you.”

Aziraphale kissed him back before cuddling him close, reveling in the warm waves of affection he could sense.“I love you too, you old serpent.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you ever so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed! I'm [here](https://asideofourown.tumblr.com/) if that's something you're into


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